My first Mother's Day

My first Mother's Day was so special.  Greg's mom was here too, so that made it even more fun.  Greg & Jude gave me roses and a storybook card he made!  After church, Greg had reservations for us at Sonsi's for brunch.  It was a beautiful, but very chilly day in Boston.  We walked around campus when we got home and enjoyed the sunshine for as long as we could stand the cold wind.  

I've decided that being a mother is a bit like having your heart walking around outside your body in another person. It is this feeling of utter vulnerability, a complete loss of control.  My heart, which, in the past could be shielded from rejection by being careful with how exposed I allowed myself to be, is now vulnerable to rejection by team selections on the kindergarten playground.  The fear I could once shove down and ignore now makes itself known when I think of how fragile my son is and how I cannot protect him from all harm.  The tears I could once suppress now stream down my face when I think about someone hurting his feelings, breaking his heart, or harming him in any way.  I am exposed, powerless, and vulnerable because as a mother, I will feel my son's hurt, rejection and pain in a heightened way.  In some ways, I suppose it is a dim glimpse into God's heart for us ... Except that in my human version of it I see my sin ... because I am tempted to fear these things rather than trust the Lord with them.  When I found out that I was pregnant with Jude, Hannah's statement in 1 Samuel 1:27 came to mind - "For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to him.  Therefore I have lent him to the Lord.  As long as he lives, he is lent to the LORD."  My prayer all through pregnancy was that I would relinquish this child to the Lord, knowing that God had entrusted Jude to me for the current time, but he is not mine to control, to hold onto, or to possess....He belongs to the Lord and the Lord will be the one to carry him, protect him, and ordain his steps.  I must trust.  I must relinquish him to the Lord and hold him with an open hand.  While it is good and right that I hurt when my son hurts and enter into his pain with him, I cannot allow it to control me. 

So there it is.  Someone recently asked me if motherhood had been a hard adjustment.  Yes, my days have completely changed and I rarely have time for myself anymore.  But it's not the demanding nature of a newborn, or the sleep deprivation, or the loss of freedom, or the endless cycle of feeding, changing diapers, and burping that makes it hard.  For me, it is the feeling of my heart being exposed and vulnerable in the person of my child that makes motherhood hard and wonderful at the same time.  And this was a surprising realization for me.  But completely worth it.  It is wonderful and joyful and rich.  I am so grateful to be a mother and for the gift of my little boy.